Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You Might Also Like
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Pringles
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
doing your own taxes
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.