I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.