Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.