[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Put this video in the Louvre
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
.. do you even science?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?