[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I’ve had worse
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”