if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
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Bruh PLEASE
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I love wikipedia
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.