Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from