Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.