[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
good for her
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.