I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
so, is there a mister shapen head
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
huge if true: the moon
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ