angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The Onion called it…again.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
just got my engagement photos
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor