Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
You Might Also Like
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.