I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
time machine? you mean a clock?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.