Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
You Might Also Like
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not