aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.