11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO