[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”