Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*