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I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.