If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”