And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore