A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I love you…
…r dog.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”