My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.