OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t