Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Don’t tell me what to do
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.