Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable