Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.