I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Looks up from Rubik鈥檚 Cube] It鈥檚 two thousand and what now??
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don鈥檛 like confrontation so I just stole it.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Thanks McDonald鈥檚 for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries