2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
You Might Also Like
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Mission: Impossible
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”