Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Feels
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus