Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
time machine? you mean a clock?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
the official breakfast of 2021
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”