Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia