My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I love twitter
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?