Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
WHY?!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand