Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
do what now??
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.