The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema