Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. đ§
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Bless you
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The Mayan calendar didnât end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it âbetterâ
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Donât you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a âwatering canâ a âthat waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno itâs like a portable water holderâ.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Lycra leggings didnât get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
âI canât believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.â – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Venn diagrams. You either love âem or you hate âem. Or youâre somewhere in the middle.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.