Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’