John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”