Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”