I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…