Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.