I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
A dad and his duck
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.