wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You Might Also Like
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea