[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Oh my god
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Same pineapple, same
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?