Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
You Might Also Like
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months