“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Had an epiphany today.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺