Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
You Might Also Like
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂