I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many