My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home